Lately, I am really happy with where this newsletter is going. It is still early and small, but I am connecting with more readers than ever, and I am happy with the quality and quantity of what I have been able to put out. However, I still feel a tension when someone asks me how the writing is going.
I often feel obligated to neatly package what I am doing—to say, “I’m currently writing about abc and my goal is to achieve xyz by some future date.” This obligation shows up as anxiety when people ask me about what I’m doing, or a subtle fear that I’m being judged when I don’t have an answer.
This could be because of different ways people measure a man. As a man, I’m perceived as more powerful or more masculine when I’m able to quickly name and classify things. As a man, I’m perceived as more serious when I know exactly what I’m doing and why I’m doing it at all times—everything has a bigger purpose. As a man, I am expected to be productive—and some people look askance at a man who invests this much time and energy into something on a lark.
It could also be because of the culture we live in. On the one hand, everyone is supposed to be hyper-productive, and you should capitalize even your hobbies so that they produce cashflow. On the other hand, people react to that by saying that you should do art for art’s sake, engage in leisure, check out of hustle culture and chill. All of these culminate in a pressure to “name” what I’m doing. As a masculine, serious, productive man who is either “building an empire” or “enjoying life,” I am expected to be able to name exactly what I’m doing with this newsletter an my writing. In reality, I can’t.
I know this for sure: my current goal is to write more—to steadily increase the output and quality of my writing. I plan to commercialize my writing in the future, but for now I am happy with what I’m doing, and will resist the temptation to put a name to it too early.
Naming vs. Knowing
I'm having similar issues. "What are you doing right now?" "Part time job, freelancing, and building IP," is the easy answer. It's not an accurate portrayal of what I'm trying to do on the days I don't have income earning activities but keep my ass at the computer seat, focusing on something.