Just an idea about your daughter's inconsistent handling of "If/then" situations-- it sounds as if she has a cognitive grasp on the concept, but is still working on the impulse control and emotional regulation to act on it. So, she understands what you are telling her, but when it comes down to it, she can't always keep her part of the bargain. She'll get there, and in the meantime, your responsiveness and willingness to go through the process with her over and over, are helping her learn as well as teaching her that she can trust you no matter where she finds herself at any given moment.
I love this so much Charlie. It's a type of writing I think I most appreciate. The detail of your self-observation in a challenging situation is exceptionally useful, because it's universally human stuff and I can see myself in this type of dynamic. Been there hundreds of times as a parent, but it also applies as you mention to other types of relationships. The ability externally consider the experience of another, especially children, is so key to showing up with integrity, compassion, and maturity. And I know that by writing this you are working things through for yourself and reinforcing your values and even planning for success the next time by articulating what's working and what is off the mark. I just love this kind of writing and appreciate you taking the time to openly reflect on and share this experience. These takeaways are right on the money.
"And I realized that this is actually a sign that I’m doing the right thing. A big part of being a good father–or frankly, a good adult–is being mindful enough to have compassion and theory of mind for other people even though they will not always have the same for you.
It was my job to be steady, to do the right thing, and to create the environment for a lesson and a memory to happen. It’s not because if I do this I’ll get the right reaction, or something good will happen, or the people at the park will think I’m a great Dad. It’s because it’s the right thing to do as her father."
Made me think - I definitely thought of my parents as "the family." Up to a few years ago, I still thought of them as "parents," not as individual people.
You did well with your toddler, far better than we did when our back then 2-year old insisted he drag his new Shamu the whale bag at a s.n.a.i.l toddling pace at Seaworld such that we missed an expensive show;) Your story reminded me also of a butting heads encounter with my 14-year old (sane toddler 12 years back) *this* morning. In fact I told him he was behaving like a toddler. So it never stops, but I agree, the more a child behaves badly, ironically, the more love and understanding s/he needs. But we are humans, imperfectly perfect, and all we can do is do our best. You did!
Just an idea about your daughter's inconsistent handling of "If/then" situations-- it sounds as if she has a cognitive grasp on the concept, but is still working on the impulse control and emotional regulation to act on it. So, she understands what you are telling her, but when it comes down to it, she can't always keep her part of the bargain. She'll get there, and in the meantime, your responsiveness and willingness to go through the process with her over and over, are helping her learn as well as teaching her that she can trust you no matter where she finds herself at any given moment.
I love this so much Charlie. It's a type of writing I think I most appreciate. The detail of your self-observation in a challenging situation is exceptionally useful, because it's universally human stuff and I can see myself in this type of dynamic. Been there hundreds of times as a parent, but it also applies as you mention to other types of relationships. The ability externally consider the experience of another, especially children, is so key to showing up with integrity, compassion, and maturity. And I know that by writing this you are working things through for yourself and reinforcing your values and even planning for success the next time by articulating what's working and what is off the mark. I just love this kind of writing and appreciate you taking the time to openly reflect on and share this experience. These takeaways are right on the money.
"And I realized that this is actually a sign that I’m doing the right thing. A big part of being a good father–or frankly, a good adult–is being mindful enough to have compassion and theory of mind for other people even though they will not always have the same for you.
It was my job to be steady, to do the right thing, and to create the environment for a lesson and a memory to happen. It’s not because if I do this I’ll get the right reaction, or something good will happen, or the people at the park will think I’m a great Dad. It’s because it’s the right thing to do as her father."
Made me think - I definitely thought of my parents as "the family." Up to a few years ago, I still thought of them as "parents," not as individual people.
You did well with your toddler, far better than we did when our back then 2-year old insisted he drag his new Shamu the whale bag at a s.n.a.i.l toddling pace at Seaworld such that we missed an expensive show;) Your story reminded me also of a butting heads encounter with my 14-year old (sane toddler 12 years back) *this* morning. In fact I told him he was behaving like a toddler. So it never stops, but I agree, the more a child behaves badly, ironically, the more love and understanding s/he needs. But we are humans, imperfectly perfect, and all we can do is do our best. You did!